Numbers 6:24-26: The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up His face upon you and give you Shalom In the name of Sar Shalom – the Prince of Peace.
A few weeks ago my best friend Jennifer tattooed the word HOPE on her back. As humans that are faulted and flawed it can be difficult to live with hope at times. Choosing to live with hope and follow the desires that God has placed in our heart, that is a special thing.
Henri Nouwen says this:
All the great spiritual leaders in history were people of hope. Abraham, Moses, Ruth, Mary, Jesus, Rumi, Gandhi, and Dorothy Day all lived with a promise in their hearts that guided them toward the future without the need to know exactly what it would look like. Let’s live with hope.
I think living as though we acknowledge that promise in our hearts? Well I think that gives hope as well as fulfills it. Let’s.
This is somewhat of an old writing, about 3 or 4 months, when my parents first decided to divorce. Or rather, when it was revealed to me. But after sitting down for coffee today and hearing someone almost nonchalantly tell a friend that her husband told her on Sunday that it was time for him to move on, and she was not what he wanted, I started pondering, and wondering, just what divorce is, or means, especially in this country. I was saddened as I heard her talk of immediately moving in with a friend and startled by how everyday she seemed to treat the situation. I pray that I and my friends who are embarking on committed, lifelong relationships, may have the faith, patience, and love to see things a little differently. So, here is what I wrote in response to my own experience with divorce, just a few short months ago…
I don’t feel like being poetic or having anyone say “Well said Andrea.” What I do feel like doing is driving off into the deep end of the pool and sinking to the bottom until I can escape, air burning in my lungs, and feel something stronger than this. Dream something bigger than this. Hope something greater.
My dad says he used to love my mom, but was never in love with her. My mom says she had always loved my dad, but now she can’t anymore. I always thought that love was simple and that if one person felt in their heart something was right and the other person agreed, then it probably was. Not so says….well…people. I have to believe in love though. I have to give in to my optimism where my love is concerned. Or I will be haunted by things that cannot define but seek to control me for the remainder of this short life.
How though, can persons be so compassionate for the masses and so dispassionate towards those they know personally? How can people love, then hate, and walk away? I have done it myself- one time. And it is an action that never wants repeating, never lacks repulsion in its aftermath, and can create pain for more than only the selfish person who caused it. Sometimes you are lucky and you can come back. Other times you are not.
But say you think you never loved in the first place? Will both parties be better off from one’s decision to walk away. Or will someone always remained scarred. Not only haunted by the things that were said to them, but killed by the oppressive stench, air hanging in the rejection of that person who left and wears a smile, or did not offer remorse, or did not even turn around to glance back in the rearview mirror. How is hope passed down when such pain exists? How do marriages survive when one person always has a problem that seems bigger than themselves? I don’t know, but I have to believe. I have to believe, because I love more than I could have ever imagined. I want greater things for another than I want for myself. And I believe that is possible. And I believe that you don’t have to give up yourself.
Just have to say that I feel very blessed and alive today! I am lucky to be alive, lucky to be able to share with others, and so lucky that I am learning what I am passionate about. Furthermore, my wedding is going to rock. Needed to add on that bit.
While I see the hurt and despair around me, in all its forms and statuses, I trust God that while there might not be a reason for it, and justice is not prevailing in this country, I know people and I am a person that will stand up for what is right, working towards something that will show at least some part of Christ to the world around us. It can be so disconcerting, but there is hope. There is Jesus.
I know I said I would give a full update on Costa Rica, and I am, you just might have to stick with me through rambling and incohesive statements about a vast array of things that have been happening in and out of my mind this past week and weekend.
Let me start by reminding myself that God is good. All the goodness that is in me and you, comes from Him. My hope is in Him, and I hold to that hope because an image of God is in me. Make sense? Let me clarify. Not only did I visit a country known as being the “nicest” third world country and see the poverty and happiness in the eyes of children and simultaneously in my mind’s eye see all the injustices and poverty that happens in our first world country (why do we even have those labels?) but I also learned of the death of a very lovely woman with two children, ages 12 and 14, who passed because a fall she had taken on the 4th of July that created a bloodclot. That bloodclot hit her lungs on Thursday morning. She died not more than 2 hours later. So, I remind myself that although God created the world, he does not step in and wave a wand to keep the poverty to a minimum or death of an innocent and God loving 42 year old from happening. I can still see God though, through the faces of joy in unwashed Nicaraguan refugees faces, and through the tears of the many people that loved so much that the grieving creates mental and emotional pain.
So, in a nutshell, I see God, and want to know Him and love Him even more.
Next, the trip and my “needs” thoughts:
The trip was successful. Unfortunately we did not have a big enough team to do the manual labor we were originally set to do. However, we visited the squatter neighborhood made up primarily of Nicaraguan refugees and went to several church services and a pastor’s meeting to plan future events. I honestly cannot say that I helped a single person, besides taking pictures for Vision2Hear, but I did get to think and pray and wonder about my purpose. A lot of time in this trip was spent watching and silently getting myself back into prayer.
The luggage thing was an annoyance that should not have been. People make mistakes, companies make mistakes, and me getting worked up about it does not change a thing. In a way, I am glad it happened, because it reminded me again that God will take care of me. It showed me even more how many luxuries we take for granted, or even view as necessities, that are of no importance at all when it comes to people and the needs that are not being met every day. How much money do I waste? Ok, I don’t want to know. But, I know what I will be doing. That is the giving of what I have to an organization or person in need every month. Not out of charity, but out of seeking justice. Out of righting the wrongs that I myself have committed. The money I have squandered and the people I have turned away from. Also, as I left Family Refugee Services as a volunteer in May, I have been thinking about what my next volunteer opp should be. If you read this I ask you to pray with me as to where I can best be used. Although I volunteer some time at the church, I feel really drawn to an opportunity (like RFS) that would give me contact with marginilized, but (unlike RFS) that would allow me to express my faith if given an opportunity.
So, all in all I would have to say Costa Rica was a very positive experience. I might have more to write later, but for now, I am lost in thought and therefore have too many words to write, what do you call them? Oh yeah, sentences….
1-2 HELP, GOD-the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears!
Listen to my cries for mercy.
3-4 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
and that’s why you’re worshiped.
5-6 I pray to God-my life a prayer-
and wait for what he’ll say and do.
My life’s on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.
7-8 O Israel, wait and watch for God-
with God’s arrival comes love,
with God’s arrival comes generous redemption.
No doubt about it-he’ll redeem Israel,
buy back Israel from captivity to sin.
One of my favorite prayers when I was living through rebellion was this one. This morning I read www.flowerdust.net, Anne Jackson’s blog, and I was reminded of my past and everything it has brought me to and made me, even though there are many things I have remained ashamed of. When I stop to think I cannot believe it. Where would I be if God was keeping track of all my wrong doings? If he did not redeem and restore, offering hope.
Right now is one of the happiest times in my life. All at once I feel renewed, restored, and ready to continue growing in my relationship with Christ. Then it is also one of the saddest times in my life. As my parents are divorcing I feel sadness, confusion, and disbelief washing over me when I least expect it. So I do pray, and I thank God for his love and forgiveness. Both for my past, and for my parents. It is tempting to want to believe my childhood was all a lie, a pastor and a pastor’s wife pretending to be perfect. But then I am reminded, that just like me, they cry out to God, they pray, and they need his renewal and forgiveness too. For “who would stand a chance.” Certainly not me.
There are many issues on all sides of the race fence. In this country the divides have been spread since the beginning of American history. I do not even know where to begin on how to reconcile the loss that is felt through all the cultures in this country because of the psychological and emotional issues that have come as a result of this history. There has to be a better way.
The stark reality of race and socio-economics can be seen in statistics. In 2006 the U.S. Census Bureau shows that the poverty rate for whites was 8.2 %. For blacks it was 24.2 %. Is it time to start realizing that affirmative action has caused not a fair circumstance, but perhaps a wider divide? I have no concrete evidence of this, but I do know that in past years many of the judicial cases concerning AA were brought up by whites, disgruntled by the unfair treatment, asking when is enough enough? Huh? Does this register on the fairness scale?
Is it realistic that we will all come to sing Kum bay a around the campfire one day? I guess that I don’t know, nor do I have any easy answers. But what I do have is the desire to find a better way. A better way other than the segregation that has occurred in this country before and since the Civil Rights movement. Granted, there had to be a start somewhere. But as I look around my city, and read the words written by great leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr., Bobby Kennedy, and today Jim Wallis, I wonder how much of the vision has been proclaimed. A vision of freedom for all men, not just white men. And as Wallis points out, “white guilt is not enough.” Is that what I have? Is what I am feeling a sensation of remorse that will really help no one? Except perhaps my own conscience? I am struggling to pull away from that and actually seek a mind of clarity and sense about the subject. After teaching mostly “minority” students (although they are not so much in the minority anymore) I see that opportunities are not equal, all is not fair in peace and education, and that furthermore very little is being done to really rectify the situation.
Big laws like No Child Left Behind seek to address the issue in a purely impersonal way. But as I open my ears and my heart I feel that it is a deeply personal issue. One that should not only be felt by white or black people, but by all people who have come to the United States for a “better life.” Even those cultures who were forced into the United States without choice, or those fleeing from their own oppressive societies. If we claim to be the best nation on earth, we have a funny way of showing it. But as all arguments in my head go, it all comes back to me.
What do I do? I live in a city that has one of the worst treatment of homeless people in the nation, a hugely segregated inner city area, and a record of imprisoning and arresting a much higher number of African Americans than any other race. Problem? Red flag? Do I sit on my ass and feel sorry for the situation? Well, yes I think I’ll do that.
No. Guilt is not enough, talking about it is not enough. Starting with children and the young people around us, that is a good start. Standing up to the issues we see thriving around us is another way to begin acting. Every change must start small. But, you better believe I have something to say about the residential racial discrimination I see going on in my neighborhood. Are we so afraid of diversity? So, if I can do nothing else, I will say something, I will keep my heart open, and I will try to let love, not guilt, be my driving force.
And if your brother becomes poor, and cannot maintain himself with you, you shall maintain him; as a stranger and a sojourner he shall live with you.
Leviticus 25:35; cf. v. 39
What is a sojourner? AskOxford.com describes a sojourn as a temporary stay. When is the last time someone, anyone has stayed temporarily with you? Do you open your home or is it yours? There is probably always someone nearby who needs it. “You shall maintain him.” How beautiful. Is it a responsibility? Or a gift? Maybe it is a bit of both.
I sincerely hope that we remember that all our are bothers and sisters, whether you believe in a God or not. We are all a part of the human race, and races don’t begin and end on the nation’s border.
