Disbelief and Questions

Lately I have been wondering about a lot.

My own ability for one, what is it that I am supposed to be really focusing on? I felt for so long that it was writing, but then you go through certain periods (early pregnancy, lol) where you feel like dead weight.

Then you start even wondering why it was you felt like you had a calling or a talent, and in this case I am referencing my recent questions about God. I cannot buy that He does not want us to question, nor delve deeper into the world of sometimes fiction that has become “His religion.” When did the intellect get thrown out of Christianity for the pure acceptance of what we are told? When were Bible stories translated to children’s stories with entire chunks left out? Was it intended to be this way?

So, I am giving myself a challenge. Instead of complaining about it, oh so easy isn’t it, I am going to read and study what I don’t know or don’t understand and carry the responsibility of knowing what I believe. What an enlightening concept! I no longer want to be thrown off by accusations against my faith or hear an argument and wonder what if… I know there aren’t always exact answers but it is more about guarding my heart, strengthening my faith and learning more than anything else.

Hopefully I can share some of my journey with you, intermittent with the woes of pregnancy and day to day life I am sure!

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Mother Teresa says (Mondays)…

Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness.          – Mother Teresa

This is hard to do, giving yourself fully. But “he will use you to accomplish great things.” How amazing is our God. He gives us- sloppy, hurtful, selfish, imperfect people, the opportunity to do his work. I might have an off week, but then I just start over, it’s ok. He knows we are imperfect. He knows we are not always going to get it right. But when we do, when we put him ahead of our ouwn crazy thoughts, then we can do things we never thought imaginable.

I am really trying right now. It is as difficult as opening a 30 year old spaghetti sauce jar. I think about my incapabilities all the time. But, I still want to serve him, I still feel his calling, a hand on my life that is unexplainable. That is my faith. As long as I keep growing it and living it, maybe eventually I’ll learn there is a much bigger being there that can help me open the jar.


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