Back to School

I remember going back to school each year. The nervousness that my first day outfit wouldn’t be cool enough (it never was) or that I wouldn’t have any friends in my classes (sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t). Whatever year it was, it was usually THE biggest thing going on in my life at that moment. That first few days sets the mood and can make or break your spirit. While children can be the kindest and most open of souls they also have the uncanny ability to pick up traits in an instant or learn the “adult way” far too early. The rejection that can penetrate through your entire being when someone acts like a seat is already taken or they choose to talk to the person on their other side and completely ignore you. Is it because of that outfit you chose? Your hairstyle? Smell? Simply because you are not popular?

As I sit here I pray fervently for those kids that feel that this week is the biggest in their lives so far. Those kids that might feel they have already been or are on the verge of being rejected. I pray that as a parent and an elder (in a respect sense, not that I am old and wise- yet), I encourage kids to be open and not be dismissive or sectarian. Last year in the neighboring school system a young boy of eleven, Jaheem Herrera, took his own life because of taunts and bullying at school. As an eleven year old he already felt so hopeless and dejected that he hung himself after getting home from school.

Please remind your kids (or any young one that you may have influence over) to smile at everyone, say hello to the new kid, and be open to the uncool kids that their friends might be ignoring. In the life of a child one person CAN make a difference. ONE person can show the love of Christ and change a day or a lifetime. Our words and our influence is real. Perhaps Jaheem would not have felt so lost.

I may not be a teacher anymore but I’ve seen the faces, and I remember well my own. Many of us as adults still struggle with the fears and rejections we had as children. I was never in the “right” socioeconomic class, so in turn that led to me not having the right things. Thankfully, I was in a place where some kids didn’t care about those things. But what if I wasn’t? Where would I be, or what I be dealing with, today? Let’s be proactive and not reactive in the lives of not only our own children but those around us. Pray, be an influencer. And remember that everyone is whole and loved by a great God.

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Who would you date?

Someone that looks different from you? Or only someone from your race or culture? I have been polling my students. Not sure why, just was interested in their take on relationships. Not that many years ago it was considered taboo. I am happy to report that most teenagers today (at least the recent immigrants) don’t discriminate.

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Walking hand in hand

Through the valleys and the mountains, the shadows and the sun

The heart rejoices that it does not have to be alone

It never has to be alone

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Extraordinary Humanity with yellow socks

I don’t have much to say these days. I feel heavy with many things, and I think that my catharsis at this moment is not to write (odd) but to cook and read and express myself to my husband. Although we have 3 or 4 months yet, I am ready for festival season when I can get ripe fresh foods and cook local fare to my heart’s content. I am anticipating where God will lead me in these months, because I have several ideas and hopes that are yet to be fulfilled. Perhaps they are growing like the plants that will soon be nestled in the ground.

I do have one thing to say though: I am so thankful for Andy. I was just folding up laundry and saw a pair of yellow socks that he has worn for years. In fact, when I met him, he wore them quite often. He had recently been evicted and for some reason the only socks he had been able to acquire were brightly colored or mismatched. He has grown so much and come so far in the time I have known him. He is a lover and a fighter, and my best friend. When we went down to Atlanta on Wednesday night it was so nice to be able to walk around with him, pass out sandwiches, shake peoples hands; I could just feel all the blessings God has given us, how far we have both been brought. He understands and in many ways strives to be what he knows God has created him to be- the hands and feet of Jesus on this earth.

I have so much to be thankful for and I just want to wish everyone a very happy ’09!

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No New Year's Eve plans?

That’s alright. Tonight Andy and I are going down to the city of Atlanta to celebrate in a different way. If you are interested or know someone who is… leave me a comment or tweet. To learn more about how and why Andy are doing this go here. Thanks for being some awesome and giving readers, even if you’re not in the ATL. Perhaps we can start a worldwide movement?
:) I pray for you and your new year. Who knows what it may bring?

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The Cost of Being Silent

Being silent. I think it often means there is something you’re not saying. Something you hold in, either for the benefit of yourself or others. Yet usually we find no benefit at all. Usually we find some form of loneliness, desolation, or fear.

Perhaps the cost is loss of intimacy, ability to move on or a loss of what you KNOW to be true. Last night I was depressed, probably NOT clinically, but it was one of those moments in which I felt genuinely bad about myself. I felt that somehow I had let myself down and was suffering a reversal of sorts from three simple days of “holiday eating.” Perhaps you can understand this, maybe not, but something so small (coupled with only one workout last week) changed not only my mood but my mindset. I have done so well lately- staying positive and letting myself feel full of love. Love for others, love of life, love for God.  And then suddenly it’s there, and I’m feeling like a detached failure, and with silence, it just stays inside. It’s not always a cure to let it out. It doesn’t always make everything, or anything, better. But keeping silent, doesn’t either. And I cannot revert back to the child I once was, nor can I risk the toll it would take on my relationship with my husband, God, and myself. It’s just too much.

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Smug Marrieds

Last Saturday as I was getting ready to walk down the aisle my friends crowded around me smiling, inundating me with love and smiles and a last “single” cup of coffee, and then they did something cruel- they reminded me suddenly that now I was going to be a “smug married.”

I informed them that was impossible, only thirty somethings can be smug married, we have a couple years yet before that happens! I hope to NEVER become one, and can only say, I have respect and liking for both marrieds and singles. I will always remember the disdain at the smug marrieds and how they can treat the less than so. Always, I promise!!!

But God has blessed me. I think for me… I struggle with thinking okay, what next?!? Hopefully not kids right now1, lol. Although I did announce to my mother upon arriving home, there could be a baby in here right now. Needless to say, she had a bit of a moment. Unhappy, she is one of those I am too young to be a grandma types, not the when are you going to pop them out type.

However, since that is hopefully (God willing of course) not the case….I still wonder. I poured a lot into not wasting money, having a nice wedding, and thinking of my next career move. Those things are settled and now I am a married woman. So, thank you Jesus. Married life so far is wonderful. Only one notable argument on the honeymoon and it was the last day, had to happen right???

Any stories….smug married? Inevitable? Not? Fighting? Inevitable? Not?

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The end of an era

It is spectacuarly crazy that “singlehood” is about to end for me (see above picture, those aren’t just little beads around my neck!). As a woman, marriage was never really a goal for me- thank God. I always said, “oh, by 30…” or “maybe in a couple years.” What that means is, I am actually ready for this because I knew it was time, not because at 14 I made a timeline and it said I would be married by 26 and have kids by 28 (ok, so there was a timeline, but believe me, it was long gone by the time I reached 19).

So…what now? I think it is high time to make a pros and cons list!!!

PROS

  • don’t get hit on by skeezy guys (HELLO- wedding ring)
  • sex
  • have a man to do the multitude of dishes I inevitably use when cooking
  • always a “partner in crime” handy- i.e. someone to get lunch, watch a movie, or TP a house with
  • growing old together (wrinkles for me AND him)
  • McLovin (I don’t even know what that means, just sounds right)
  • some more sex
  • being united with the love of my life
  • did I mention se… oh yeah, I did

CONS

  • get hit on by even skeezier men (HELLO- they’re loving the wedding ring)
  • expected to cook everyday
  • have to get used to someone else’s (besides your own) funky bathroom smell
  • toliet seats- nuff said
  • remembering you always have to consider someone else (even if they are the cutest shoes you have ever seen and you do need a new vacuum)

Obviously, these aren’t so bad, beyond the funky bathroom smell. Am looking forward to someone promising to always love me, my wobbly parts (i.e. butthigh 1.) over the years. Seriously- I thank God for this man and could not be more estatic. He has saved us both and is a HUGE part in these nuptials. Jesus has a way of being amazing when you least expect it. Andy and I met at a bar- him, an addict and a user for years, me, a lost girl looking for approval in ALL the wrong places. Together we grew up, wrestled with God’s hand, and worked our way together again. He is amazing. And a free spirit (obviously).

I just have a couple more days of being the crazy bride to be and then I get to…err, be a wife!

Footnote
1. Butthigh: scary region between butt and thigh that seems to roll together

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Da Da Da Da D Word

This is somewhat of an old writing, about 3 or 4 months, when my parents first decided to divorce. Or rather, when it was revealed to me. But after sitting down for coffee today and hearing someone almost nonchalantly tell a friend that her husband told her on Sunday that it was time for him to move on, and she was not what he wanted, I started pondering, and wondering, just what divorce is, or means, especially in this country. I was saddened as I heard her talk of immediately moving in with a friend and startled by how everyday she seemed to treat the situation. I pray that I and my friends who are embarking on committed, lifelong relationships, may have the faith, patience, and love to see things a little differently. So, here is what I wrote in response to my own experience with divorce, just a few short months ago…

 

I don’t feel like being poetic or having anyone say “Well said Andrea.” What I do feel like doing is driving off into the deep end of the pool and sinking to the bottom until I can escape, air burning in my lungs, and feel something stronger than this. Dream something bigger than this. Hope something greater.

My dad says he used to love my mom, but was never in love with her. My mom says she had always loved my dad, but now she can’t anymore. I always thought that love was simple and that if one person felt in their heart something was right and the other person agreed, then it probably was. Not so says….well…people. I have to believe in love though. I have to give in to my optimism where my love is concerned. Or I will be haunted by things that cannot define but seek to control me for the remainder of this short life.

How though, can persons be so compassionate for the masses and so dispassionate towards those they know personally? How can people love, then hate, and walk away? I have done it myself- one time. And it is an action that never wants repeating, never lacks repulsion in its aftermath, and can create pain for more than only the selfish person who caused it. Sometimes you are lucky and you can come back. Other times you are not.

But say you think you never loved in the first place? Will both parties be better off from one’s decision to walk away. Or will someone always remained scarred. Not only haunted by the things that were said to them, but killed by the oppressive stench, air hanging in the rejection of that person who left and wears a smile, or did not offer remorse, or did not even turn around to glance back in the rearview mirror. How is hope passed down when such pain exists? How do marriages survive when one person always has a problem that seems bigger than themselves? I don’t know, but I have to believe. I have to believe, because I love more than I could have ever imagined. I want greater things for another than I want for myself. And I believe that is possible. And I believe that you don’t have to give up yourself.

I have to believe.
In Love.

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Some thoughts on love.

Being a recent child of divorce, and thinking about the human capacity for love and what Jesus says love is, has sent me on a trail of opinionated, highly idealistic thought.

I have heard this many times and really hope that in marriages, relationships, and friendships it can remain true to some extent. I know with pain and sin comes distance, and with that distance sometimes in our humanity we feel the kind of love we want is not possible. But, for a moment, imagine that we are completely able to cast all of our cares on Jesus and rely on him to fill our needs.

Some “perfect” love thoughts I have had:

You are supposed to love someone not for what they can do for you, but for what you can do for them. As Christ loved the church (as it was his bride). To desire God’s best in their life, even more than your own (think community vs. individualism). All of this ”you make me feel good,” it’s selfish bull ****.

Secondly, telling someone their faults, then asking them to love you, isn’t really loving. Love expects nothing, but gives it all. To me, this epitomizes why Christ died, he did not expect for anyone to get it right, so he made it right, through loving. So, maybe, if you’re in a tough situation, just keep on loving. Sometimes that does not mean staying in a horrible or dangerous situation, but it might mean still loving, still aiding, even from afar. Sometimes it does mean enduring the worst of times, even without that “connection.” Attraction only goes so far, and if we are made to love in the way of Christ, shouldn’t we atleast try? 

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