Shalom Existence

There have been so many up and down emotions in my life recently that no online networking site, blog, or emoticon could begin to explain it. You know how sometimes you change your mind in a split second, or when anger instantly rises, or in a true act of God, completely dissipates. This is an everyday occurence in pregnancy. In some cases I believe that I should be left alone in my room with food delivery, other times all I want to do is to be out, not touching, smelling or breathing my own home.

It has occurred to me that my relationship with God is also a lot like this. There are times, maybe even I have been living in a period, where I have shut myself away. Neither wanting nor feeling like I needed to be bothered, there has been a good part of my active life that has been kept alone in a room. Not that I truly believed this was the best for me. But I think that I was not trusting God or people to understand the immense change that has happened in my outlook. Rather than being rejected on my principles I chose to stay at bay, not even asking God or fully seeking why this had happened to me. Many times we would rather just come up with our own conclusions, our own reasons for things. We might even say we’re “giving it to God” or “praying about it” but it’s all empty words.

I am really trying to change this…to allow God to work it our and actually work with him on what I should have been giving to him all along. Because my way has led to emotions that I am ill equipped to deal with- anger, resentment, all this for people not understanding what I wasn’t wiling to share. I know that I have slowly come to realize all of this, and some of it I have already admitted. I don’t think you can really move past something until it is admitted. You can move on, but not past it.

Being so emotional, having nowhere to put it, has helped me realize this. Perhaps pregnancy has more to give than illness with an end promise. Perhaps it is more of a journey to growing up than I thought.

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