I fall down
I have a lot of hurt in my life. I think everyone does. Some of it is uniquely different, and some of it is relative, because, well, we’re all human. The past few days I have been really struggling with myself to lay some things down. I would probably punish myself for the rest of my life if I could, I realize that partly the things that have happened to me have made me feel that way. That’s not God, that’s not the gift he gave me when his son died on the cross. I keep thinking, I’m so convicted and so alive and in love with Jesus in some ways, and for some reason, even though a part of me has held onto pain and not really wanted to accept myself fully, Jesus has held onto me and kept that passion alive and burning.
I have been emotionally bruised and beaten by several of my past relationships with men, father included. My father loves me unconditionally and while he was never a bad father, his failings contributed to the person that I am and some of the relationships I gave into. I did not have a bad childhood, and I am not the victim, it just is what it is. My father went through a very personal struggle that bled into my life when I realized it in a very unfortunate way.
Except for my husband (thank God) I have never had a relationship with a man where I felt valued as a person, save for a few friendships that I unwittingly tried to turn into relationships for that sole reason. I have been held down emotionally, physically touched, and ridiculed. In the good situations I was valued for my physical being and initial layer of innocence, nothing more. As I bring all this to surface and struggle to find the comfort in words of Jesus and ask for the strength to forgive myself and others, once and for all, completely, I thought of this song. And honestly I don’t know why I wrote all of this. My full intent was to post the song only. Maybe someone needed to hear it.
We fall down
We lay our crowns
At the feet of Jesus
The greatness of
Your Mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
Is the lamb
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It’s interesting how our fathers do effect our relationship choices isn’t it? I was just saying in the car on Tuesday that I wished I’d had the sort of dad who’d sit out front with a shot gun scaring guys away when I was younger… it would have given me a lot more strength to not stick around for bad behaviour. But then I know there are other ways he was fantastic as well, he was pretty generous with time and money for starters.
Err, I did have that kind of dad, lol. No, I had a good dad but when I was a teen and into my young adulthood he made a lot of very grown up mistakes that kids shouldn’t have to deal with it. And in a lot of ways I still was. I have forgiven him, but sometimes I still deal with the demons of that pain….and others, I have endured. But I guess everything makes us who we are- so praise God for that!
You know I love you very much, and what’s so neat about God is that he can be to you whatever you need him to be. And you’re right about the song, it brings tears to my eyes even singing it in my head.
Love you Andrea!
I can relate to a lot of this. My dad is a great guy and he has been in my life since day one. He works hard and provides and tries his best to be the spiritual leader of the family. But there is a lot about my dad and my maternal grandfather that I don’t like at all. My mom has always told me that women usually end up marrying men just like their fathers. I can safely say she did this when she married my dad. My dad doesn’t like to laugh much and he’s not easily amused and he definitely doesn’t like social situations with large crowds. He once complained that the one thing he disliked most about my mom and my grandmother (mom’s mom) was that they were always cheerful.
I picked a guy not like my dad at all. David likes to laugh and to go out. He likes to be around people and joke. He likes going out to eat and he likes going on vacation. I can also talk to him without him getting tired of it after five minutes.
I can also relate to the part where you mentioned relationships. Until David I was never appreciated in a relationship before. Even friends I thought valued me I see didn’t really when I look back on it. It was all a matter of learning that I am worth more and deserve more. Once I figured that out then people started to treat me like that. I really do believe that we’re treated the way we want people to treat us.
That’s awesome! I am glad that God allows us to learn from our mistakes and then STILL blesses us with his plans. It is awesome to see and know in my life and others lives.
Take courage that you don’t have to have it all figured out and be a finished product right now. What great and frustrating is that it’s just as much about the journey as it is about the end resting place.
I think what you wrote was brave. Thank you for trusting and sharing.
Thank you so much. That means a lot.