Shalom Existence

Last night as I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I started to wonder, why do I feel bad about some sins and not others? There are some things that shock me into guilt, conviction, immediate “I didn’t mean to do that (or sometimes I did) but now I really need my Father’s forgiveness!” Then there are other things that I think about later. It’s more of an “Oh yeah I did that,” followed by a pang of guilt but taken over by calmness that whatever I did was necessary, pertinent to the flow of everyday life. I probably do some things that I never even think about. There are also convictions I have so strong that when I see other people moving against those things I feel guilt for them (in a vague attempt to bypass judgmentalism).

Then there are other things that I do that I wonder are even sins and if I should be asking forgiveness… I guess that’s a sign. But maybe not, I recently heard a pastor say, and have heard other pastors as well, talk about the guilt that is instilled in us as children. I am an “I’m sorry” person. Even when I am not necessarily sorry, or feel I shouldn’t be. I was the oldest in my family by a longshot, my younger sisters are seven and a half and almost ten years younger than me. So of course I had jealousy as a child. Having parents that never experienced this, I no doubt know they did not know how to handle it, other than putting me in line and making me realize my place. Of course, some of the time it was in reaction to my jealousy, trying to get attention when I realized that I would have to sit alone in the kitchen or upset because I was so much older that I wished to be treated like an adult. But most of the time I was left to feel that I was in the wrong. In fact, most little things I did were greeted with “You’re wrong,” not this is what Jesus says or even a guiding hand. I know that my father will admit this now, but at the time even when I protested, “Thou dost protest too much,” never an admittance of wrong or overreaction. Finding out people were human and did make mistakes changed me in a way I never thought possible. I really did believe that humans, all the adults in my parents circles, had their lives together because they went to church and praised God. Notice I did not mention I thought it was because of the love of Jesus. It was because they were doing something. Active in the church or what not. I never saw too much action for other things. (Secretly I am jealous of people who had hippies for parents). No one is perfect, and my parents are merely products of the way they were raised and the values (many of them good) that were instilled in them. So, is my “guilt” now a product of that? I don’t know.

But that brings me back to the issue of sin, and should I have guilt, or rather, recognition of when sin is occuring in my life. I know I should, but I truly believe  cannot force it. I pray about my lack of “goodness” in certain areas, asking God for strength to make right choices, and my love for Him does not cease, but I am obviously overcome by humanity as a pattern in my life. But then I go to the Word, which says sin is merely separation from God, the Latin “sin” means simply without, so perhaps I should look at sin as merely being things that I do without God’s stamp on it. Which means that I probably need to start probing myself a lot closer and spending more time with my Father.

I have a feeling this post is becoming to sound like a flag for legalism, but that is really NOT what’s in my heart. It is more of an outpouring of wanting to take what’s in my heart and (the good) things I have learned in the past and merging them together to make me a more whole person, more aware of God and able to listen and wait. Also, as to the issue of what sins are sins, I guess the only one to ask would be God, but a little personal reflection never hurt no one…did it? Hmmm….better ask my therapist, lol. Just kidding. When God is inside of us, I think there are some things even the best of human mind experts cannot comprehend.

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