I am going to be a mom. I really can’t believe it, every day that passes is one day closer to my being responsible for shaping and leading a small person. I think the hardest thing in becoming a parent is thinking about everything your parents did wrong. I tend to focus on that, saying “I know I won’t….” But I think some of it is inevitable. “I told you so” probably being one.

I have amazing parents, but they did make mistakes, and I wish in addition to teaching me about the love of Christ they would have taught me how him loving me means I can love myself, no matter what I do or go through. And part of that includes thinking about the future, another thing I was never good at in my adolescence. I literally picked a college because it was close, easy, and they let everyone in. Also it was “tradition” in my family, but I cared little about that fact.

Anyway, any advice on how to cope with the lurking fear of “becoming your parents?” Or just send prayers and happy thoughts my way, because I am just trying to stay sane thinking about it!

Sometimes it is hard to breathe deeply and take things one moment at a time. The mind leaps forward and suddenly anxiety over something that hasn’t yet happened can take over. But, I am trying to slow things down a bit. Take a moment where a moment is needed and feed my soul so that my interactions with others aren’t out of some warped sense of feeling that I am doing or being “good.”

As I am reading Wide Open Spaces by Jim Palmer and slowly wading through some scripture, I feel a real need to do just that- slowly wade through it. I have learned a lot over the years, and gotten excited about a lot. Some of it sticks, some of it doesn’t. Inevitably things that are rushed through will be soon forgotten or lost in the makings of everyday life. But if I am focusing on a relationship with my Father, if I am trying to settle into who I was created to be and how I was made to love him I can’t rush through it in an attempt to “fix my life” or be a better “Christian.” Because I don’t even know what that word is anymore.

So, this is some of what I’m reading, unsorted, mostly raw, this is what I am feeling impact me and who I am now, mom to be and all (although it’s hard to believe).

Romans 8:33 “It is God who justifies…”

Yes, I am here to love and reveal Christ through me, but the ultimate justice is His, because none of us are deserving (if so justice might mean paying a consequence for every catty thought I have ever had). Thank God for God!

Romans 12:16 “…never be wise in your own sight.”

Ugh, this one is tough for me. I want to be right and have all the answers and when I figure something out I want to be the one to share it. From this chapter I glean not that God wants us to feel unintelligent, but he wants us to show humility, never thinking that we have all the answers, that everyone else is wrong, and never unwilling to learn something about Him. (Ugh because I know I have done this!)

Colossians 1:27 “And this is the secret: Christ lives in you.”

Not only did God send his son, but he sent him to live inside of us. So if we truly believe and we have asked Jesus to enter our hearts then one of the ways we get to know him is by listening for His voice and feeling his presence and direction in our lives and following it! But we must interact with him, we must know Him through prayer and the Word of God, but don’t live in ignorance that he is in you.

From Wide Open Spaces-

…In reality I treated my belief system as if it were my Savior. It was my belief in the right suppositions about Christ that made me saved. When the basis for being a Christian is your specific set of beliefs about God, the most important thing is being right.

Are you interested in knowing God?…His main prinicple for life is to love.

…Jesus didn’t come to start a new religion- he came to reveal God. Why? Because he knew if humankind could physically experience who he is, we would want to know him, and knowing him would change us.
-Jim Palmer

Yes! This is all I can say in response to this. I will only say these words struck me. I am sure you can infer as to why.

God loves me, just as he loves you, and I hope that we can all slow it down just a little to get to know Him more.

I hope that we can find it in our way to not just notice things but find out more, join in communal prayer, and continue to seek to make real and active differences anywhere we can. I feel torn about what is happening in Iran. As a human I know how it feels when your voice is not heard. But in a battle that does not include “right” and “wrong” it is hard to watch Americans choose a side when most Americans don’t even know what each side stands for. It’s hip to be active and it’s definitely the trend to look like we care, but why? Is it because we uphold democracy as the highest right that any individual government can give? I know that it can be boiled down to a basic human rights issue, but then you have to take the situation out of the microscope and look at acts of violence committed from both sides. The scales are certainly tipping in one direction this week, but as we saw in WWII, people follow leaders regardless of their morals.  It’s disconcerting to see how powerful the media is. Did you know that our parents are now only our biggest influencers from age 1 to 3? And then for almost our entire lives after school the media becomes numero uno.

Many Americans paid little attention to Iran when the Shah was in power, including presidential blatant ignorance of the  treatment he was giving his people. Sure we noticed later, but only when American lives were put at risk. Now we have the internet and an ever-increasing global market to pique our interests and keep us more tuned in to the world. But is it doing us any good? Are we keeping ourselves placated, feeling good about ourselves about making some noise, or are we really trying to change the world? I am not saying to stop our offered support to the Iranian people, but I am saying to know that you are supporting the people, all the people, for a better life, for the best possible outcome, not a political party or a side. Voices need to be heard, but in some instances the superpowers and the regimes of this world have made it an issue that can’t be forced on a timetable.

I feel the same question paralleled in my view of the church. Are we really trying to understand Jesus better and love everyone unconditionally, or we just taking the steps to make ourselves feel like we are doing something. Because overall, Americans still don’t really know much about Iran. And overall, the people of Christ that call themselves the church haven’t changed their face that much.

This may seem like a cynical approach but I am really not trying to be. I am including myself in this. And it is about taking an honest look in the mirror and checking our hearts and our motivation before we do and say anything. Because if our hearts aren’t in it, it is time to get with God. Because when they are and we are acting on His say so, not just to make some noise, that is when the real differences and changes will start coming.

May take a lifetime. But it is so worth it! Don’t ya think?

I don’t know why, I have just been thinking how much more comfortable I am in my own skin now that I have allowed God to shape some part of me. I’m not perfect and I have a lot more God-shaping to let happen, but it is a good feeling to experience freedom from past chains. Things you didn’t even know were chains, but suddenly when they’re gone you realize they were. Because you feel free. Free of abuse, free of alcoholism, free of self-inflicted pain. It is nice. I thank God for that.

As Christ followers, lovers of humanity, simply anything we are that values human rights and decency, we have to pay attention to the world around us and make sure we are not doing anything to cause someone else harm. There is no love in that.

I will be honest. In the past 30 days I have eaten an m&m. Probably more than one. While I’m not a huge consumer of the Hershey, Mars and Nestle products, I have been known to partake. Yet for the past several years these companies have known their products were contributing to child labor and done little to nothing to stop it. Makes you think about popping another m&m in your mouth doesn’t it? Such a little piece of chocolate, such a huge implication. What if they could see you? What if you could see them? Would it make a difference? I truly hope so.

If you do not support their actions, please go HERE and sign to let these companies know how you feel. Without consumer action nothing will be done. To find other chocolate companies that do work to protect human rights you can click here.

We as individuals are the difference makers, and sometimes we have to stand for those who simply can’t.

“Pray hard.” Sometimes life is tough. We don’t know where roads will lead and we aren’t sure what the right decision is. With a baby on the way, post-bacc summer school, a job and apartment search going, this is how I feel. One day at a time, just keep praying. I have a wonderful husband, I’m reading and learning some amazing things about God (that I really do want to share when pregnant brain stops being an issue), and I can feel and see the blessings in my life (mostly in the form of some amazing godly people and experiences). But some days I can feel the pressure. I imagine pushing myself to the brink of physical exhaustion, only to feel no sense of accomplishment. So I pray and I wait. Because I know that in the end, all will be. And however it is, God will be with me.

Most of the world’s hunger and spread of disease is caused merely by lack of clean water. Dirty water and sanitation problems lead to the rapid spread of disease and malnourishment, especially in undeveloped areas. Please support the clean water bill by letting your Senator know you care about this. Simply click here and the rest is easy.

For more information go to One.org or watch the video featured on the link. Every person can make a difference, being active is always better than being silent, even if we feel like no one hears. Believe me, I know this campaign has its issues. But it’s getting the word out, so help spread it.

Wherever you are, don’t give up on the dreams God placed inside of you.

I have seen so many acts of faith lately. Letting people know that God cares about them and loves them in real ways. Because the reality is, there are a lot of real ways that the world needs to be helped. And we are the hands and feet of Jesus on this earth.

It is so easy for me to brush away the desires God has given me thinking that they are too big or too difficult to ever achieve. But when God is for me who can be against me? If He has placed something in my heart then I cannot ignore it or let it fall away It is, in a way, who I was meant to be.

So, whatever is on your mind, remember there are people out there who feel just as crazy as you. Just take it one step at a time.

How often are we told to do this?

Out of those many times, how often do we actually follow through?

I am having a difficult time with this lately. As the school year ends I am left without a job and I have been searching for weeks going on months. I know so many others feel this same way, but of course I feel that the odds are stacked against me because I am pregnant and already feel I gave up a current career for the school. I know this isn’t true, I would not have wanted to be anywhere else besides having a chance to say goodbye to those kids, but somewhere it seems that Satan is trying to cast a shade on the entire situation.

I very much want to give the situation to God. But what does that mean? I apply for any and everything? I try to return to Starbucks (the man of coffee)? I wait until my summer semester of classes is over to find a better schedule? Whatever it means, I pray that I will be lead in the right direction. Right now I seem to be at a loss. “Giving it to God” is not so easy as it sounds.

(Or green, purple, yellow, blue….I am really okay with any color scheme). But, Andy and I are having a girl! Woohoo! Of course I would be happy with a boy or girl, but I feel that the world is as it should be.